CLOSING TIME

I am ashamed to admit that I am a sucker for those cringey articles in magazines, both men's and women's, about  'What we wish they knew...' I can't help it. They make me laugh and I'm also such a fucking helpless romantic that I can relate to almost every point. Yes, I do wish you were psychic and knew when I was having a fat day. I also wish that you carried around a ziplock bag with my favourite sweets in your pocket at all times. Instinctual things, you know. I have combined all of my most desired points from all of these sex/relationship wishlists and compiled my own little check list of what I wish my man knew:

If you lie to me and I find out, I will most probably leave you - you sneaky shit. I will also admit that I will probably be overly forgiving towards you, because you're obliged to say nice things to me and if I do leave you I will hear less of it. So if I do leave you, you know you've really screwed that one up. You look sexy in those two-tone baseball shirts, like the ones Paolo Nutini used to wear. Oh, and hooded clothing. (Not tracksuit jumpers, but other hooded garments)
If I am having sex with you then I will most definitely be convinced that I am pregnant for a minimum of 72 hours before my period. I have no reason to think so, but I do.
In no way, state or form is 'fine' an adequate response when questioned on how I look.
I will always expect you to call me, so don't bother waiting for me to call. If you have done something to annoy, aggravate or piss me off in the slightest and I act like I'm cool with it, I can guarantee that I am not. I'm holding it in for future ammunition. 
Your shoes say a lot to me about who you are. If I am moaning about my tummy being too big, do not tell me you think it is 'cute' or 'sexy' because it is, in fact, my tummy and I am aware that it is neither or those. Just kiss me or something. 
If you want to ask me out you have to be direct. I won't respond to you accidentally calling me your girlfriend on the phone to your friend. Until you ask me, I am a free agent baby.
I want to be Beyonce. I want you to support that.
I need to know how you feel about me, often. Discussions of ex-girlfriends should please be avoided. I have no interest in what she did to break your heart, let me concentrate on putting it back together.
Cheating. It is definitely cheating as soon as you are doing something with her that you wouldn't do if I was there. Under every circumstance. I would rather you leave me than cheat on me.
Oh, and as I am a girl, obviously I am a psycho. I keep a constant lid on it but every now and then it slides off. Be patient with me. I am only trying to force you to love me.