I've recently been watching the new MTV program 'Awkward'. It's about this fifteen year old girl Jenna who is struggling with teenage life and love after an accident in her bathroom is misunderstood as a suicide attempt. It's sounds totally morbid but it's actually really easy to relate to. They show 15 year old sex as actual 15 year old sex; young and out of sync. Her narration is true to what most teen girls think about, whether it be with their friends or with a boy. The situations she finds herself in are, yes- very american, but the way she reacts to them are honest.
She writes this blog; Invisible Girl - of which has minimal followers, if any. I know that feeling. She is attached to this guy who may or may not be using her for sex yet refuses to acknowledge any human emotion toward her. I definitely know that feeling. I find myself empathising with the dramas Jenna is dealing with- however fucking lame that may be, I can't help that I'm a total ass who Cinderella's the shit out of everything. Which at times is fucking great, because being a hopeless romantic makes the people who love you try their hardest to make you happy. Or it's a heart wrenching, catastrophic nightmare full of disappointment and tears. I have bared witness to both.
Fuck. I saw Elle today and we went to the Tate Modern for a day of culture and burgers. Obvy can't skip the burgers. We had an epic catch-up, which most definitely always revolves around boys. One conversation we had was about how girls actually have no fucking clue what they want from boys. I said to Elle; "Fuck, I have had boyfriends who tell me they love me 10 times a day and I hated it. I have had boyfriends who tell me they love me once and then never say it again for whatever reason. And I hated it." and all Elle could tell me was that I'm a girl - I don't know what I want. Is it really quite so easy to phrase? Am I innately romantically confused? You'd think I'd be happy with whatever I'm given, be it one time or ten, but it's never that fucking simple.
I used to be so secretive about telling boys what I really felt. If I'm honest it's partly because that's what I thought guys liked. They
love when they can't 'read' a girl. Oh, she is so special, she must be because I can't read her.When I got over that I hit my lets-be-totally-honest phase. Boys do not seem to like that. Apparently it's not fetching to wear your heart on your sleeve. And then express it vocally for hours.
It's crazy. I just thought about how easy it would be if I wore one of those electronic things on my shirt that you can program sentences into. It could say things like; 'Tell me my hair looks really nice today because I bothered to wash it' or 'Notice that I shaved my legs for you, please' or 'Now would be a great time for you to say I love you'. BUT - that's not fucking enough either because you don't want to have to tell them! Wahhhh. What the fuck man. I'm typing myself further into confusion.
I would give
anything for a guy to come at me with a rant like this. Ahhh holy fuck I would roll around in that shit and cry with pure joy. I would record it and play it every fucking year on Christmas because I am Jewish and it would be make that day special for me too.
This photoshoot makes me want to make out. She oozes sex and has the most perfect breasts.
Barbara Fialho by Manuel Nogueira for Elle Brazil: